Craving a Drugged Sorrow
I've been torturing myself the past few days. Our emotions are easily changed and determined by various stimuli in the environment. Well, I've been stimulating sadness and sorrow upon myself the past few days. Not the kind of sadness that can later develop suicidal tendencies, no. Instead, I'm instilling the sadness gained from the passing of a loved one. The kind of sadness that could lead to a huge change in my outlook on life, whilst creating a river of tears. I don't know why I am instilling this form of sadness within myself. Maybe it is because I feel a craving for it. Every day I subject myself to entertainment that would instill such emotions into someone.
I've had this emotion a couple time previously, not from a loved one's death, but from entertainment and moving away from beloved friends. It can be viewed as though those I considered beloved are now symbolically or metaphorically dead, but I live in a world of social media. I can still talk to them, but all physical interactions are now dead. Each time I had obtained the sadness my outlook on life has changed in some way. I could have viewed one thing being more important than another, or the world may have gotten more colorful/bleak. I've tried with other emotions too in order to figure out if they give me any change at all, but no other emotion is as wild as this form of sadness. This form of sadness is a drug to me. TO explain the drug properly, I'd describe it as picking up a handful of pills and polling them in your mouth altogether and swallowing. The pills were all different and so the outcome is varied, will it make me happy, will it bring me on a hallucination trip, will it make me focus, will it make me feel different to a person or group of people, or will this be my last swallow? I don't know and that is the fun of it. I don't know how I will end up when I'm done.
Other emotions do have effects on me and my behavior. Anger makes me hate myself and therefore I go on a working-out spree until the anger fades. Bliss has no change on me whatsoever. I think that is because when I'm in a state of happiness/bliss, I don't want anything to change. Love is a subjective emotion much like this form of sadness, but Love creates other emotions such as sadness, anger or bliss. I can only categorize my emotions by those general terms because all descriptive emotions still have the same outcome; Madness ends up with a work-out spree and ecstasy ends with no change. So why do I want this drugged emotion? To feel alive, like the people around me.