Diary Posts [No.1]
*DISCLAIMER: This post contains some very deep and personal information of my thoughts as they were going on at the time. There will be some places that are rude and downright immoral. I don't advise reading this unless you want to know how much of an ass I am with my thoughts of others. I apologize to all people that this is about. I have also changed all, if any, names that were to keep identities secret. Viewer discretion is advised.*
"December 5th, 2015
Today marks another day in my life in which I ex-communicated yet another female from my life. How do I feel? Not good at all. I mean I felt good around her but as we were apart for a longer time, my emotional problems grew. I began to reminisce the past thinking about how great my past girlfriends were so perfect and loveable, and this one, this one so bland. Her figure was disproportionate, but her hair was typical ponytail; clothing was nothing new and her inability to listen to anything I saw was also typical. She was all-in-all a typical girl with a disproportionate body that could only be seen without her clothing on.
I remember when me and her first laid eyes on each other. It was probably the third day at being at college and I introduced myself to the neighboring dorm rooms to my own. She lived in the one right across from mine. I knocked on her door and after about a minute her and her roommate appeared in front of me. They weren't good-looking females either. she was a bit too skinny with an overextended belly that made her look like she was in the second to third trimester of a pregnancy while her roommate looked like she ate one too many twinkies and bought clothing from Hot Topic. I thought that these could be people that I could hang out with, but not potentially date. Oh, how wrong was I.
Weeks had past and I ultimately grew a crush on her, a crush that I never thought would be filled, so I went after her. It was fun chasing after her and then being told 'no' because that only made me want her more. Unknown to her, I was seeing a girl on the side. I met this other girl at a party that my roommate's hosted. she was a bit overweight, but to just get my terrible kissing skills back, she would fit the job. For a couple weeks this new girl and I met and made out, but as it got more serious my defenses kicked out and made me distant myself from her. I always had trust issues from early childhood after my mother abandoned me, but that story is for another time.
After leaving the girl I was seeing on the side, my soon-to-be girlfriend changed her mind and we started dating. The grand chase was now over and I achieved to get what I wanted, her; however, this happiness and thrill wouldn't last forever. In fact, it died the moment I saw her naked.
She and I used to talk. We talked about how each of our families acted. Her family was in the marijuana-dealing business, and although, it is 2015, I still considered that to be illegal. This gave me a terrible gut feeling that I would resent her family. I told her my story of how I was abandoned as a young child by my mother and starved. Her response was as generic as could be with a sympathetic sorry and asking if I needed a hug. I declined the huge and I could see the sorrow in her eyes.
As far as I could see it, for now, was that she was generic with a generic attitude towards everything and when you spoke to her, she would never understand anything. I didn't want generic. I wanted spontaneous. "