Tormented Dreams [No. 7]
I have to drug myself in order to fall asleep. I don't believe that there is any correlation between my drug use and the hauntings within my dreams because they occurred still without the use of the drugs. Last night my dreams were rather wild; coming in many different parts, it is hard to recount them all. I will try my best to understand exactly what each dream meant.
Firstly, I dreamt of my friend, Kalle, and his girlfriend from the time I met him, Iines. to me, were they the embodiment of an ideal relationship? They would face time almost every night for at least an hour and they would physically see each other at least once every two weeks in which they would have sexual intercourse at least once. Is this an ideal relationship? Are humans seeking for survival while also obtaining as much pleasure that they can? For him it as easy. He put in an hour each day into a relationship in which he was guaranteed pleasure at least once every two weeks and possibly more; however, was that relationship perfect? Who's to say? To them, it would be, but from someone else's perspective, it could be terrible. Just as John the Savage saw the society as a flawed utopia but all the natural inhabitants viewed it as the only true way to live. So again, was that relationship perfect or is my mind hoping to obtain a relationship as such because it believes that those relationships are meaningful? Well, I've been in a meaningful relationship once with my main ghost, Karolina; however, my youth mind viewed it otherwise at the time. Looking back, that was a flawed relationship because we both were highly wanting some sort of emotional connection due to a void left by a parent. For her, it was her father, while for me, it was my mother. As Avril Lavigne once said, "could I make it any more obvious". We filled the holes in each other's hearts perfectly and as the relationship continued on, we played our hands a though we were puppeteers because we manipulated each other through our actions. We knew exactly how to get into the other's brain and we used it to our advantage at times. Unfortunately, once when we had the advantage, it was still possible that thing couldn't go our way. Eventually, it caused our termination prematurely. I know that I still exist in her heart just as she is in mine, but even though my mind has felt a perfect relationship, it wants something completely different. I just wouldn't think it would want pleasure as badly as it did.
With its desire for pleasure come my next dream: a sexual interaction amongst three strangers. I won't go into the hot, steamy details as some more romantic would, but rather I wish to speak about the meaning at what my mind desires. There were three girls and I knew them from a simple conversation I had at the Boston airport this past March. Although, I didn't believe I would still remember their facial structures, but my mind, nevertheless filled in details that I could not. From my simple conversation and eavesdropping, I knew that they were college students, the same as I and that they were headed to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. Therefore, I simply put them in my mind as free and wild girls. I guess t hat my mind picked them for my dream. Is this because it is what my mind desires or because they would easily be images as such? Is my mind tainted by the world around so that it easily could jump to that conclusion about them? Am I the one that tainted my own mind by the environments that I've lived in or was I born to think such a way?
thirdly, I was taken place from an airport. I had tried contacting relatives to retrieve me, but none had come through. I was to travel, by foot, the many hours to return to my place of residency. Along my journey, I stopped within a Salon/Coffee bar duo. I had once worked in such a place so my mind had filled in people with familiar faces to the environment, but this Salon was more modern than my original workplace. I ordered my usual cappuccino and sat at a table nearby as I waited for time to pass. A young man approached me and without permission had decided to make home at the chair across from me. "You running too?" he questioned. Before I could give him a response I tried to think about why I was in the Salon, butt nothing could come to mind. I had forgotten that I was heading home. "You're alone aren't you? Your family doesn't want you do they?" He continued to question me. I sat and pondered for an answer, but with each new question, it was as though my mind forgot about the subject of the question. Had I had a family, but really who was I? I have been wondering alone, and yet I can't answer a simple question when prompted. I looked up, but the man was gone. Had he even sat there and questioned me, or was it my mind imagining it the whole time? Am I really alone, wandering the setting around me? Am I wondering to understand who I even am? How lost have I gotten and how lost do I have to become to be able to answer when I'm questioned?