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A Ruined Easter

A Ruined Easter

"Come over for easter! My family throws a huge family gets together every year, and since my sister brings her boyfriend, I thought why not bring mine?" I shouldn't have had agreed to go along. It was outside my comfort zone to see others experience what I could've had, but for her, anything. This easter would mark the four-year anniversary of the easter that I ruined. 

She and her mother picked me up early morning. I haven't even really awoken just yet and my hair was still wet because I had received a text not even twenty minutes earlier while I was still asleep saying that they were on their way. I wanted to look presentable to her family because I didn't know how long the relationship was or wasn't going to last. If it lasted awhile, I wanted to make an imprint on the family. I made an imprint alright, but not the imprint that I would've like to. 

Upon reaching their house, which I tried to understand the way we drove to get there and got lost because my mind wasn't fully awake yet, I saw a father and his son outside throwing a football back and forth. My heart sank because it had been almost half a year since my father and I had done the same. His children were happy and playful with him. I don't think that I could remember a time when I was like that. Seeing this had put me in a saddened mood; not a mood I would like to try to make first impressions on.

We entered the house, a small quaint house that brought you to a landing and then had three choices, down some stairs to a play-type room that was recently used by small children because toys were strewn about in a non-correlation pattern. Up a flight of stairs that led into an opening containing a living room and dining room mix, the kitchen and possibly all the bedrooms in the house. I wouldn't know because even though it was a bit brisk out, I didn't wear a jacket that they had to place away in a bedroom. Finally, they also a down the same steps that it took to come into the front door the same way in the back. Also, a fourth way, if you would want to count the entrance as a fourth route. Since it was the beginning, I followed my girlfriend tightly as though I was a shy child cowarding behind her when spoken to by others waiting for her permission to state something back in the hopes of not coming off too strong. Not only was the unacceptable for my age, but also looked down upon in her family because they were all loud, outgoing persons. 

The breakfast/brunch buffet style of eating was pleasing to me, but alas came another issue. Proportions. At a first time family get together or otherwise, introduction to the family, was I to take a lot of food, or barely a plate's full? In some cases, by taking too much, it shows that I may selfish, but on the other hand, by taking too little, I could be disrespectful to her cooking by indicating that it was distasteful to me. Either way, I knew that I would be at a loss. The entire conversation of the meal was catching up on the family matters, and once that was done, it was time for the interrogation of the new fellows of the group. Me. The interrogation happened to be the same for each occasion, a simple, "Who are you, and what are you doing in my house" type of questioning; however, since I've been dating her for quite some time now, the family has shared my information around, so they knew more intricate interrogating questions that I wasn't ready for such as, "Why doesn't your family do 'family get together' events" and "What religious deities do you follow". Both questions were simple to answer, but since I'm not religious and I had a distaste for most things having to do with spreading religion, one answer would not be very well liked amongst the group. I tried avoiding the question. The group could see this as my passive aggression towards them, and so, I cocked my head the opposite way from the group and stared at the gray sky overhead. 

After the eating was done, everyone was to disperse to wherever they would like as long as it was in the house. I had followed a few of the younger children along with her down the stairs to the play room. It was open, but I still didn't feel like I belonged. I knew that the family above me was trying hard to open their arms to allow me in, but my own self-doubt and overthinking was getting the best of me. I told her that I was going outside to get some fresh air, but instead, I was really going outside to run away from the family that was opening their arms for me. I didn't know how to react to such an environment. I have never been subjugated to such kind persons of mass quantities in small spaces. It was too much for me to bare and thus I had to run away from it. 

I opened the door, and some of the children and persons in the place was asking me where I was going only to be given a quick-snapped reply of "need air." I believe that some even watched from the windows to see where I was going. I walked down their pathway, past the multitude of cars that were parked haphazardly from the driveway to the street. Following a center island that was surrounded by the houses of the neighborhood, I started my journey of running away. I didn't know where I was compared to my house, so I kept walking. It wasn't like I haven't done long walks in the past because years beforehand I would walk with a group of friends from one town to the next in the dead of night. 

The outside air was brisk, and I was without a jacket. Not even before leaving the field of vision from inside the house, I received a text from her asking where I was and what I was doing. I guess that she was not informed of the situation from everyone else, and thus I lied to her stating that I was in the backyard full well knowing that I was not. I guess she went to check because a minute later my phone was blowing up with text messages from her and a call so that she could figure out where I was. I, an asshole, ignored each text and phone call because another family was spotted in my eyes. A family that wasn't mine. A happy family. A family that I wish I could've called mine, but I know that it would never come true. 

I believe that I had embarrassed her and her mother enough because they had hastened out of the family get-together in search of me. I wasn't far away. I was stationed under a tree leading out of the housing development. My head in between my knees having a mental breakdown. They found me rather quickly, and they still, until now may not know why I had left, until now. 

If it wasn't made clear from the above text, then it will be clear now. I left because I couldn't handle seeing another family happy. It wasn't something that I had, but it was something that I wanted. I didn't want to be introduced into another happy family because it wouldn't be the same. I wanted my own DNA family to be happy together, something that I have never seen before. I know that my wish will never come true, but to see all the other families happy together made me wish that I had the same and that is why I left without telling most. An easter Sunday, ruined, by me because I don't have a happy family. 

Weekend Writings #17

Weekend Writings #17

A Monochrome Gray

A Monochrome Gray