Random Thoughts [No.1]
Maybe I'm not different from other people in this world. Maybe I just have obstacles that take me a little longer to get over than others. They are able to leap over the obstacle without breaking a sweat; much unlike me, who runs up to it, stops, backs away, runs up again, flinches and finally slowly crawls over the obstacle. I know that other people are even slower than I when it comes to crossing the obstacle, but I don't feel like I'm not on the same level anymore.
I sit among others while eating food. They talk and they laugh, but I sit there with an emotionless face hiding the cries of wanting to be talked to. Metaphorically, I am reaching my hands out, and jumping in their face hoping that they will notice my pleas and question me to get me started in the ongoing conversation. When the silence of ending conversation overshadows the table, I feel the words in my throat fighting to come out, but my mouth will not open to let the words out. Please let the words out, but they still won't come.
I think I can understand the emotions and effects that mental issues have on others. I have felt a lack of will to do a lot of things throughout my life. I shouldn't have had felt the lack of will because of my age nor should I have felt the lack of will because the things are actually interesting and entertaining to do; however, due to mental health issues, I would go out of my way to avoid doing entertaining things. For example, I purposely went out of my way to not go to prom during my multiple times in high school. I was given the option to go when I was a freshman because a senior wanted to take me, then again I had my own chances during junior and senior year but each year I chose not to attend the event. It wasn't like I didn't or couldn't have a date for the events, but I think I purposely went out of my way to break up with potential dates because of mental health issues. I don't feel as though I'm in control of my own life, but instead, I am a bystander watching my body from afar committing acts that I know that I wouldn't do if I were in control. Do others feel the same way as I? Are others in control of their lives, or are they instead watching their body from afar hoping that it does everything correctly?