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Three Options for One Decision. Always

Three Options for One Decision. Always

This past weekend I had another eye-opening dream. Now this dream was, again, a rather weird dream to start off with. When the dream originally started, I thought it was going to be a nightmare because two old people would father me around all the time and if my phone rang, they would become a destructive demonic force. This would occur throughout the dream, thus I had to keep my phone on silent.

As my friends and some others may know, I did not finish college, and I'm planning on returning in the fall to complete my education. My dream took place at a more futuristic version of a college in which everyone took elevators to their dorm rooms instead of having to bother with the huge crowds that usually exists when traversing between classes and dorm rooms. This college was located in Boston and the only reason why I know this is because during a portion of the dream I escaped to hide out in Fenway. Also for those who don't know, I did attend school in Boston previously so I know the landscape decently enough to have vivid dreams of it. 

The story of the dream doesn't really matter to the overall meaning because the story was me living out my daily life throughout the college. They are some things that went on during the dream that led to the overall meaning that I will take to heart and contemplate over. 

The meaning of the story was that there are always choices and with each choice that is made, there are consequences. My choices happened to be a choice for a relations partner. The three that popped up for me were my best friend, the girl I wanted, and the girl that was out of my league. Each one had consequences if I chose them, but the choice between them is where the message lied. 

The girl that was out of my league came up to me first. She was a childhood friend that I used to hang out with, but as we grew up, puberty worked way better for her than originally expected and she ended up going with the popular crowd consisting of bitch girls and douche guys. She had multiple partners too, and when she wasn't having a partner, she contemplated having one because she always wanted to feel good about her looks. It became like a drug to her. When I heard that she was back in town, I went to go talk to her and she stated that she and her boyfriend had recently broken up and she was looking for a fuck buddy to fill the time being. This choice was having sex non-stop with a girl that is way out of my league but having no emotional relationship in which we actually care about one another. We would only use each other when we were horny. This decision had a varied termination date from her ability to find a new mate to play with. 

The girl that I wanted could be considered a stranger to me. We only started talking and hanging out recently. We barely knew each other, but she was fun to be around and my feelings for her started to grow. The thing is, I don't know whether or not she has the same feelings for me, or if those feeling for from her would ever exist. If they would, I would ponder if they are of the same level that mine would be for her. There are so many unknowns with this decision. I don't know the termination, but I know that if it happens, there will be a time of happiness between the two of us, but I don't know how long it will last, nor do I know if we will last. There are so many unknowns that I don't know if this path is for me, but I have feelings for this person. 

The last girl, my best friend, has always had hidden feelings for me and she tells me now hoping that I don't make a mistake and not choose her. I don't know if I would choose her anyway. I don't feel as though my feelings for her are as great as hers to me. I don't know how I would feel dating her other than guilty because I know that I may never have the same feelings for her. I know that she is my best friend, and we have so many things in common and there have been times of sexual tension betweens us beforehand, but I feel like this a freebie being handed to me. I had feelings for her a long time ago, but I didn't act upon them and lost them. I don't know if I can get them back, and I will always feel uneasy with her. Would that be enough for her? Won't I feel guilty if I chose her and didn't act myself around her anymore? What if we broke up, wouldn't our amazing friendship be ruined along with the connections that we've made with others? Why did she have to come out and tell me how she really thought about me? Couldn't she keep it locked inside her so that there wouldn't ever be anything wrong with our friendship? I feel now that if I don't say yes to her, our friendship is over, but if I do say yes, our friendship is over. All because my feelings for her now aren't great, when I say no to her, I can't change my mind later when my feelings for her are greater. 

I didn't make my choice in my dream, instead, I ran away from the college to Fenway in order to think about the decision. When I came back to school, my phone rang and the old people that were in the beginning of the dream went on a rampage, and then I awoke. Never knowing how my brain would've made the choice in my dream makes me wonder what kind of person I am. I am someone who is willing to have a sex slave for a limited time, walk down a new unknown path always doubting myself, or feel guilty for dating a freebie? 

I've had the weekend to contemplate this issue, but still, I don't know if I can decide. The only decision that I crossed off was the sex slave. I would never want an emotionless relationship with someone. A relationship needs and thrives off of emotion, without it what is the point?

 

Internet Writings #1

Internet Writings #1

Weekend Writings #6

Weekend Writings #6