The Mistakes We Choose to Live With Can Disappear
I always wonder what my next song will be. Not a song that I will write, no I'm terrible at that. A song that will remind me of a traumatic experience in my life. I'm wondering what the next song will be for that. For instance, I fell in love while listening to the Spin Doctors and I had sex while listening to Matchbox Twenty. A very upbeat song like, "Conquerer" by AURORA can bring me to tears because it reminds me of my friends from college that I will most likely not see again. What will the next song be?
There are so many things that remind me of a different time. I have this little case that looks like it holds a wedding ring, but it holds a toy ladybug on a spring and it reminds me of the few memories of my family before my parents split. I have a squid hat that reminds me of a time of happiness with my family at an amusement park. It is always the weirdest, most useless items that have sentimental value. Others would give me weird looks if they saw my useless items.
I listen to and own these items because I don't want to lose my memories. Even if I were to be diagnosed with a disease like Alzheimer's where my memories start to fade from me, I want to keep the items and listen to the songs in hopes of never losing the memories. I want to have a 'notebook'-like item or items that will keep me in a state of recurring amnesia. I want to be in a healthier state than Allie Calhoun from the Notebook. I don't wish to be in a home for the elderly, but having someone that will make me come out of a state of amnesia would be nice. I want to know what it is like to be blank in the head. I want to know what it feels like to know everything about yourself and your past and then at a snap of a finger, everything is gone. The color fades turning the once colorful world to a black void of nothingness only to be reborn again into a colorful world with relapses of what once was.
Maybe through the experience of relearning my memories, I could fix all the things that I've done wrong with my past. It is like having a true second chance at something. It would stay as a one-sided non-voluntary "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where I would forget someone, meet them again and start a relationship anew. I wonder the complexity of completely erasing a person from the mind. Of course, there would be a central point to annihilate in order to get it done, but the remaining smallest memories would still last. Like going to war against another nation. Infiltrate through the small ranks, annihilate the head, but there are still many low ranking soldiers that fought on the opposite side that still exists. Taking out the central source of remembering someone would destroy a huge portion of the memories, but there would still be memories left over. They would exist like the millions of capillaries stemming off of the blood lines running through our bodies. Small, yet when brought all together, forming into a bigger source. There would be an enormous amount of memories that when trying the true second chance, some would come back giving a little insight of the inner thinking of the previous time with the possibility of helping the second chance. If such technological advances existed to the public as they do in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I believe that I would be one of the people trying to abuse the system. Either putting myself through the process, or drugging a failed relationship partner through it so that I can have another chance; however, the burden of my actions would haunt me until finally giving in and putting myself through the process as well.
With each failed relationship, I'd abuse the system, putting my mind through a constant state of partial amnesia. This new found drug would become my addiction. I'd want to forget so that I could live. Creating new experiences that I could never remember because of the over abuse of the system. Also trying to start anew with an erased person would pose to be difficult depending on the technology used. I didn't think that the technology used in "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind was all that great because it required everything that reminded you of a person to be thrown away or burned. This means that the procedure wasn't always successful because one item that reminded yourself of the person you were forgetting could reverse the effects of the procedure if not properly taken care of.
If you've seen the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" then you probably are having questions now, such as the immediate question of "Why then if you state that the procedure could be reversed by a single item, then why wasn't it reversed on Clem when Joel came to meet her in the bookstore?" The procedure requires that all the items be burned but not the other person to disappear from your life because the smaller items hold memories that are stronger than seeing that person. The person's personality, appearance, and other qualities can change, but the item cannot. For example, the girl that I fell in love with while listening to the Spin Doctors still lives to this day, but her appearance, personality, functionality and other qualities have changed since we were together and since I fell in love. Seeing her in person does spark some memory of what used to be, but it isn't as great as listening to the song "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors. The song reminds me of the exact time and location that I fell in love with her and most memories of the relationship, even the small ones, like riding in a limo to her birthday party, being told 'a tie is a nice addition but tucking in would've been better' by her mother, and remembering the first time that I went to her house during a snowstorm and there were Christmas decorations all along the pathway to her front door. If I were to look at her, I don't know if I could even remember what her face looked like back when we were together because she has changed so much. Talking to my best friends would remind me of the times that she and I spent in Spanish class and our teacher was a little too into our relationship. If I were to undergo this procedure, would I also have to stop being friends with my best friends just because they remind me of her too?
I'd have to ask myself the entire time before undergoing the procedure, is this what I want? Would I prefer to forget someone and all their memories rather than living with the pain, but I get to remember all the memories, good and bad, of the two of us? I don't know what my answer would be. If the pain was constant and if after years didn't go away, maybe I would. Maybe I'd get drunk enough one night that I'd go 'fuck it' and get the procedure done, with the possible regret in the morning, but how would I know until I saw her again? I'd rather have a friend or family member drug me into a coma and force the procedure on me than have it be my own will to get the procedure because I trust the will and acts of others more than I trust my own. I believe that my friends know me better than I know myself because every day, I am losing a little portion of who I used to be. They might still know who I used to be and my previous self could still live on; however, if it is too far a gap between physical meeting me, the others might forget me and my previous self would be lost as well. Maybe the procedure wouldn't be so bad because I'm already being forgotten by others, why shouldn't I forget them as well?
If the technological advances in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" were available to the public, I know that I would undergo the procedure, but not to forget someone, but to completely wipe my own mind of everything.