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When Your Partner Bullshits You.

When Your Partner Bullshits You.

I'm here to tell all of you today, that you will do fine. You will find encouragement, and you will find someone who won't bullshit you. Trust me, because I've found.........okay maybe you won't, but still, you can make the most out of it.  I want to share some of the bullshittiest things that my partners have told me before. I knew that they were lying because I'm that type of asshole that takes everything as a challenge. 

Okay, so first off, I'm going to go with the most controversial but also the most used one.  "I love you" This phrase is controversial because probably at one point or another during the relationship the partner would have these feelings; however, the different interpretations of what 'love' actually is, differs from person to person. To some, 'love' lasts forever and therefore if the relationship didn't last, the 'love' must've been fake. My interpretation of the experience that I have had with my relationships is that the 'love' is fake, but seems real because of the 'honeymoon' phase. If you don't know what the 'honeymoon' phase is, it is the period in the relationship, typically the beginning in which both parties are highly infatuated with one another to a degree in which it masks all other emotions. For example, one of my relationships, according to my friends and the other party, was an abusive one-way relationship. The other party would make fun of me, and be highly rude to me; however, since I was in the 'honeymoon' phase, I didn't notice any of this. I thought she was amazing and funny, not condescending at all. I was really wrong. If someone tells you that they 'love' you, play along with it! They are messing with your emotions, so why not have a little fun with it? See how much you can get from them. I've done this once or twice and got free meals out of them, but others have done it to me, so I know both ends of the stick. Fun both ways. 

Now let's get a bit more serious with this. During a relationship both of may start joke a bit about causing physical harm to the other party. This is nothing out of the ordinary until physical harm occurs. When one party states 'I'll kill you' or 'You'll be the death of me' or any other variation of that, you know that they are bullshitting you because of a few different reasons. Typically when they state this, they are doing so in a joking/sarcastic manner. Only a few times will they actually be mad when they state this. Another reason is that the relationship is probably going to end before one party dies, therefore, making the second statement bullshit. On the other hand, these statements may not be bullshit and there are something to look out for. Here is a quick condensed list of some things to look out for:

  • Carrying a knife
  • Gets a little too rough during sex
  • Scratches your vehicle
  • Puts Nair in your shampoo bottle
  • Dropkicks your kid
  • Dropkicks you
  • Won't let you in the vehicle
  • Kinky Sex went wrong

If you have noticed any of these things going on in a non-natural state, run. 

Time for the more harsh things that your partner will most likely state to you. 'You know how to kiss me just right, you're amazing at it.' or 'you have a way with hands'. Basically, anything that tries to make you feel good about yourself in the moment. You should know that this is immediately bullshit because it is just said to make you feel good in the moment. The key phrase, "in the moment." Later, your partner will go off and tell their friends about how mediocre or less than mediocre you really were at it. If by some off chance you are a god at knowing exactly what they like, they will boast about you. This will make their friends jealous and their friends will try to get you to commit adultery. If they don't, then you just weren't good enough. Hence, the bullshit that statement. But now you can have fun with it. If you know that they are bullshitting you, then you can start doing the weirdest things to them, and they feel as though they still have to state how good you are at it. Here is a short list of weird things to do:

  • Tickle their eyeball
  • Sniff them intensely
  • Yodel while having sex
  • Start saying catch phrasing before doing any action
  • Make a sandwich with your partner in the middle and a stuffed animal.

Now to share the ultimate bullshit bullshittiest thing I have ever been told by a girl. Although I do enjoy the statement. This girl and I were fooling around, as young people do experimentally and the bullshittiest came from her mouth. Made me laugh, but still bullshit. "Your penis is like the George Clooney of all Peni". Now I know you are thinking, what the fuck does that mean? Well, there are multiple interpretations of that statement as with anything stated before. My interpretation of the statement was that my penis has good days and bad days. For example, George Clooney was really good in "Ocean's Eleven", but he was really bad in "Batman and Robin". I really don't understand where she was getting at with this statement because I'm too young to really know how infatuated everyone was with George Clooney. 

If you have had a loved one state any of these lines before, then please sit down with them and call them out on their bullshit because you are not worth being bullshitted to. You are better than bullshit because maybe your private parts are the George Clooney of private parts and you deserve an oscar. 

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