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Thoughts of a Desperate Man

Thoughts of a Desperate Man

Today is the day! I will finally get a girlfriend! I have read so much on the female anatomy, psyche, and I think I know everything that a girl wants. Plus I have to get a girlfriend, I didn't take that course for nothing! Okay, the course went over the three very simple steps in order for me to obtain a girlfriend. 

Step 1. Find your victim. 

Okay, a victim...hmm. Who should I choose? I want my first girlfriend to be into all the things that I'm into! I want her to look a certain way, act a certain way and also love me unconditionally. Hmm. Maybe someone with low self-esteem. Alright! Okay, okay I will keep a watch as I walk to my next class. I bet that I can find someone as I walk through the halls. 

*Bell rings indicating that class is over*

Okay, finally. Time to find my victim! I have the entire length of the school to walk since my other class is on the other end of school. There has to be a girl that has low self-esteem by then. 

*Two very enthusiastic girls walk laughing*

Hmm. Blondes. They don't look like they are of low self-esteem, but they do look like they could have daddy issues. I wonder if they fantasize about their fathers like the girls that I watch online do. They have the bodies for it. Nah. They aren't my type. Might as well keep looking. 

*A girl in the other direction stares at me* 

Hmm. Why is she staring at me? Is there looking for someone as well? Well, I always thought that I had a pretty face. I wonder what her name is. If I had to guess it would be Emily, they are always so desperate for love and attention. Her figure is petite...maybe not what I would like to have for my first, but quite the possibility. I should keep her in mind.

*A girl is sitting on a bench in the hallway*

Now, this is what I'm talking about! I knew that I would find someone who has low self-esteem. Her name is probably something weird, or something so common as to be Olivia. She must hate her name. She is a brunette as well, so that is a bonus because she has to have at least one interest of mine. Maybe the same music taste. Blondes don't like my music, they always want something so upbeat that is misogynistic.On the other hand, brunettes prefer a multitude of song types. Hopefully, she has a thing for indie rock. Okay, so I found my victim. Step 1 complete. Onto to step 2.

Step 2: Analyze Your Victim.

Okay. I have to analyze her. From the examples that the professor gave me, I have to follow her home, sniff her hair, understand her music tastes, and get a look into her room. Hmm. What to do first? Maybe sniff her hair. I'll wait until I see her outside before she catches the bus back to her house. 

*time passes by until then, nothing interesting happens during the passing time*

Alright, there she is. I have to get close to her without her knowing and just take a sniff. A whiff if you would. Maybe I should do it like my chemistry teacher wants us to. Yeah, I'll waft in her hair. 

*I inch closer trying not to be seen, raise my half and start wafting in the smell of her hair behind her while her friends look at me weird*

Nothing. Can't smell a damn thing. This never worked in chemistry either, and her friends are giving me the stink eye. I should get out of here, but I still have to follow her home. I have to know where she lives because then I can understand the next analyzation!

*When the buses are about to leave, I sneak onto her bus and sit three seats behind her*

She looks lovely! There is just something about her that I love! Maybe it is the smell of her brunette hair! The smell of nothing! I can smell it right now even! Amazing. A girl is talking to my girl! What is this trickery! What is going..oh they're friends. Maybe I should move closer to hear the conversation, or maybe not I don't want to blow my cover. I'll just sit here and watch the back of her head. 

*Her stop comes and they both get off together*

Where am I? What is this place? It looks like a normal place to be but where in town is this? Oh well. If I follow her, analyze her, then act as though I'm lost and use her phone I could get my parents to pick me up! Yeah, that is the plan. Okay, I have to stay a certain distance away so she doesn't think that I'm following her. She is waving to people, who are these old people that she is waving to? I didn't think she had self-esteem! She was sitting alone and that is why I chose her! Oh, she turned. Walk slower. 

*She enters her house and slams the door shut*

Hmm. Okay, two story house, no garage, a backyard. I have to get back there. Let me try the fence it should be open. Ah yes, it is! Oh crap, there are sliding window doors to her back yard. Shit shit shit. There is a tree here but I don't know how to climb it! Oh man, the professor should've taught us how to climb trees. 

*After much effort, I was able to climb the tree*

Phew. I did it. Crap, is that her room? Where is she? Why does she have photos of other guys on her wall? Oh crap, there she is! Look at her, she is jamming to music. Damn, it's EDM. Okay. Well, I think analyzing is done. I don't want to use her phone. I'll just go to a neighbor's house. 

*I head home* 

After all this analyzing, I'm thinking that I'm ready to start part 3, the final part.

Step 3: Become your victim.

I have to listen to EDM, get pictures of boys on my walls and make sure that I'm interested in all the things that she is interested in! 

*a couple of weeks pass by of becoming her*

Okay, I think I'm ready to go up to her and get her to be mine. I'm wearing glowsticks, nearly torn short, and neon paint colors. I think she will love this! We can talk about the boys on our walls our interest in EDM and anything else! Okay time to go see her.

*Notices her*

Ah, there she is. Okay, this is it. Only a couple of steps now. Shit, she is looking at me. She is smiling.

"What are you wearing?" she asked.

"Everything you like," I said seductively.

She walked away. Crap. The Professor was wrong. 

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I want to make it abundantly clear that these steps to get a girlfriend/significant do not work nor will they ever work, unless the person you are working it on already has feelings for you or they are doing it to you too. 

I made a presentation during my Speech and Public speaking course in college about this. It was a demonstrative speech and had to last for five minutes. I was so stumped at what to talk about that my friends actually gave me the idea to talk about how to get a significant other because I was so good at it (they were joking of course). I actually very much liked the idea, but they told me that they were joking and I replied, 'Don't worry, so will I'. Thus this presentation came to be. 

The demonstrative speech was about the F.A.B. System. I told the class that I would easily get them anyone that they wanted if they were to follow the three simple steps of the F.A.B. system. The steps are the exact steps that this kid follows in the story. Find your victim, analyze your victim, and become your victim. The entire speech was a satire on how to get a significant other because each step was about doing everything wrong. These actions include but are not limited to, stalking, physical and mental stimulation, sex changes, and plastic surgery. 

 

'The Tiger Conquers Gazelle'

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