It Wasn't Our Decision
There are over seven billion other people on this planet and yet I have the audacity to think that I actually matter. I don't know whether I matter or not, but I think that I do. Each day every human on earth battles everything that will kill them. They will fight disease, bugs, animals, natural disasters, and themselves. Most humans will survive the fight, but others will lose and die.
What if I died today, what if I died yesterday, and what if I died tomorrow? In each case, the most effects will overlap. I will cause heartbreak and sadness to a select group of people and be written among the obituaries as possibly, "a soul lost too young." Some of my friends would come visit my carcass during the funeral, but not all of them because I didn't have a strong enough effect on them.
If I died today, who'd remember me? If I died yesterday, who'd remember me? Would there be a difference between the people that would remember me between each day? Currently, no. The same exact people would care because I haven't been affecting other people with my presence. I have not been meeting new people, and I've been going out less and less. Why is this? Is it to my own benefit to not go outside to ensure that I am living my life to its fullest? Isn't the goal of our life to see how many people we can make sad when we die? If it is, I know that I won't make many sad.
I've stated before that if I get a disease or obtain a constraint to my living that affects me in such a devastating way that my life will have to drastically change or that I'd be such a burden to others, that I'd rather be dead than do such action. I agree with Ernest Hemingway's decision to commit suicide. He had developed a constraint that made him feel like he couldn't live his life to the fullest anymore, so he ended it on his terms. Does this give me the right to do so?
From the moment that I am born to the moment that all my immediate family has perished, I cannot commit such an act. The burden of my self-murder would burden them. This burden could drive them to commit the same act as I, become an alcoholic or a burden to society themselves.
I've had multiple friends of mine commit suicide. My friendship between some of them was unbreakable except through death and others were just acquaintances, but each suicide has had an effect on me. The latest one was a classmate in college. They decided to commit suicide in between semesters, thus disallowing any of her classmates to come to her wake and funeral due to distance issues. They were an acquaintance, but it still made me think what her immediate family would feel. I knew there had been issues between the immediate family, so it was hard to pinpoint exactly what their feelings would be, but deep down their baby had died before they did. The baby was not able to experience everything that life had to offer.
I know that if I were to commit suicide now it would be the end of me, my mother and possibly my father. My death would cause my mother to have a mental breakdown which would ultimately have her drugging herself to death. Having to deal with his son's lifeless carcass would possibly bring my father to have a closer relationship with drinking. He would possibly drink and drink until he felt numb of the pain that I would cause him and end up dying of liver problems. With both parents gone, my siblings would feel the burden of the expenses that used to be handled. They would be excommunicated from the rest of the family because of my sinful action and its consequences. They would live how I used to, with no one. No support. This may lead to their demise, thus ending my family's legacy. My family would end because I decided that my life wasn't worth it anymore.
Each time that the dark thoughts come back, I re-read a story that I wrote after my best friend committed suicide. The story describes how we met, what we faced together and the end of our friendship. Every time I read it, I can't help to believe that it was my fault for his untimely death. I guess that is why I believe that when it comes to being my turn, it won't be my decision, but the decision of the world around me just as it was for him.
It has been a long time since I've visited him, but I still don't think I'm ready to see him.